Gin's Blog

Its About Time

2007-08-29T02:30:00.000+09:30

Well, its been a few months since I left this blog to rot in the corner of my mind. Kind of realized that I did have a blog. Something I havent really used in months. Well, its about just time that i kind of updated this abit.

Ups and downs. Today is the day of the lunar eclipse. Kind of went out to the balcony at about 9pm, near the end of it. To see a red half cresant moon shining down. Beautiful yet somehow having that subtle luminious colour of bloodshed. May it represent the world that we live in today. People being obvious by its beauty and serenity, yet some people are humbled by the tears cried and the people who have faded.

Perhaps I should be a writer right now. Mara's kind of getting me influenced into all these kinda random things. Her random beliefs and likings. People grow on you I guess, even more so when you lack the kind of resolve in your mind. That something feels like its jutting out like a sore nail on a lengthy plank of wood. Something so small and you could over look it at a glance, yet you know its still lingering at the back of your mind. Knowing that something is wrong, but you cant quite put your finger on it.

Maybe it the work and cramming thats going on. The subtle hints that life gives you. Random occurances that seem to happen for a reason, if you kind of think back on it. From Japanese superstitions that when theres a red moon theres something bad out there in the world happening. Guess not really happening today. May it be from church, when its already half way through the '40 days of Community' whereby teams seems to be of utmost priorty. That you cant achieve many things in life without at least a companion by yourself. Relative to the past 3 major assignments that i have. That somehow happen to be all groupwork. Subtle hints in life of what is to come. Yet, when you compare it to the zodiac or some random fortune telling. When you look at it at hindsight, you kind of realize that its true. Eventhough, it maybe vague... even if you dont believe in it. It somehow relates to you, or at least someone close to you. Well sceptics believe its all a bunch of nonsense, well i do too kind of, yet.. some part deep down inside of you wants to believe that there should be more to life than whats laid infront of us. More to life than what we see people achieve. The norms in life. The once in a life times. The things that will never happen. Wouldnt it be great to blame everything bad on something else. But wouldnt it be lonely if that was all that was instore for us. That after this, there is just nothingness. That the world still revolves around the sun each passing day... never noticing one insignificant speck disappearing from the universe in a flash. Almost as fast as it appeared. If thats was all that was left instore for us. Whats the point in trying. Whats the point in hoping. Whats the point in denying our pleasures. Whats the point in everything that we do? To better ourselves each and everyday.. when in the end its not worth it? Think about that for just one instance. That no matter how far from believing there could be a God or could be something else out there, a great divine. That if we dont believe in our beliefs, that if we dont have faith in fate. That if what we do now, no matter how great, no matter how insignificant it maybe - if it brings a smile to someone else's face, your somewhat happy inside. What would be the point in all those little things.

Well yes... endless ramblings from my head yet again.. well i guess one more lesson i kinda learnt like only a few days ago... kinda thing that someone should learn i guess. Its good to learn from your mistakes, but its better to learn from other people's mistakes before you fall into it. The best cure is not a cure, but avoidance of the disease in the first place dont you think?

If all your trying is to do good. Dont expect anything in return, because the gift of giving should be as much praise as you should ever need.

Whats the point in expecting a gift... no... expecting even a simple thank you when you do something good? shouldnt you feel happy that you went off at your own accord to actually do something nice - that the expectance of a simple thank you that goes unsaid leads to anger. It leads to selfish one-track thoughts that other people live in their selfish own little shells when your trying your best to breakthrough that lonely divide that each and everyone of us. That at one point or another we will be selfish or ignorant. When a gift is given - there shouldnt be a want nor a crave to receive something back to want appraisal for something youve done. To be recognized. 'God loves a cheerful giver'. You dont give gifts because its forced upon you. You dont because your meant to or it would be nice to. It wouldnt be a gift in the first place.

Its May. Its friggin MAY.

2007-05-13T04:42:00.000+09:30

Its been more than several weeks or even months since i neglected this pity of an attempt to start a blog. Kinda crap how some things seem like a good thing at the start, yet laziness kinda overwhelms everything at the end of the day. Kinda been crammed with a crap load of assignments, little tests and 'studying' apparently. Well assignments are studying. Though im pretty much far behind in every aspect in uni, still somehow coping with everything. Finally found a brief period of time when im alone and wasent bothered to go to sleep, so kind of stuck in a limbo with nothing else to do at the moment. Well at least i can finally write something in here.

Few updates here and there.

Still single. So god darn obvious isnt it. Besides the few odd periodic break downs here and there it aint that bad to begin with anyway. Kinda gotten use to this kind of lifestyle, though its still kinda of really gay being the third wheel most of the time when people go out for dinner and stuff. i need food too. kinda feel weird though, like kinda spoiling the mood with my randomness. >__<;;

Watched kinda alot of movies recently like Spiderman 3, 300, Mr Bean and stuff like that. Apparently Perfume is very good. Though i dont like the the sound of it. Based on a lit novel, that has brilliantly come to life. its a friggin play. >_<;; well its good to see the other side of life sometimes, you never know what you might get. Booked to watch it with Yen =).

Dota is back. Kind of weird how much time there is in a day without it. When BA broke down, it was 3 days in darkness. Kinda of like the modern blackout without the actual blackout. Was able to do so many things... -_-;; and procrastinate in alot of different ways too. :P

To bake brownies u need a flat THIN tray, otherwise it wont cook, onlyt the crust will appear to be cooked. Then u start to wonder why its sooo soft... but still eat half of it till your friend says that it aint cook... and then u remember that you shoved in 2 raw eggs inside, aint a happy thought. -_-;;

Yenny is a spagetti. Cos i know she'll probably never read this blog. :P Well, to say the least shes been a life saver. Kinda never really liked doing assignments and stuff on the comp.. well non-related Dota stuff on the comp till she kinda came along and changed all that. Kinda realised i owe her quite abit for being able to sit me down infront of my comp to do my assignments without much temptation to play dota... cept from dwin.. cos dwin is dwin and if he wasent dwin.. he would be someone else now wouldnt he. From the randoms to the talking.. =) kinda raised my spirits soo much... well about a month and a few weeks till i see hey.. so yeay!

Birthdays cost alot of money. even if your not the birthday person.. kinda realising that i might spend quite a bit on my birthday.. though i kinda like the idea of a conservative approach to my birthday.. 20 aint a big deal.. I AM JUST NOT A FRIGGIN TEEN ANYMORE. :'( nonetheless, its the kinda this year and the next..and maybe the one after in which everyone turns 21. -_-;; and its like, your 21st birthday and its important.. important = money. money = important. love = important too.. but love doesnt = money. somehow it does.. cos if u make love u need = protection and protection = money. if no protection = baby = money.. so all things kinda of lead to money... well.. even talking.. cos sometimes u have to arrange a place to meet = phone = phone credit = money... or even if u stay together = rent, electricity, bed, food, entertainment, water = money. its the money equation. :o... i live a very sad blog life dont i. -_- well, had fun though, so it was kinda worth it ... though i dont like the idea of not having enough money most weeks :S.. kinda trying to save. kinda dont know why.. but i know the kinda person i am.. the moment i let go of that money grasp... the moment my wallet becomes drastically empty :( there are so many things that i want... ohhhh well..

there are more than 9 colours on earth. its not the 7 colours of the rainbow, black and white. apaprently there are other colours such as fushia and turqiose... my lordd... just say semi green... and pretty bright pink.

Green is the new in colour for me. apparently ... i like mosshino. i like my mooshino.. i like my mooshhinno green jacket. =)

wikipedia is all my civil engineering lecturers crammed into one. Kinda crap considering entire subjects based on things like... WATER... or SOIL.... or ... BEAMS.. gayness... always listen in your first and second year.. cos it pays of when you realise you do need it for 3rd n 4th years... gay cows without any warnings. -_-;;

its 5.30 in the morning now.. -_-;; i need sleep..

February Stars

2007-02-20T05:20:00.000+10:30

Its officially the 3rd Day of the CNY. From plently of ang paus to plently of yamchaing with alot of different people. Kinda of making my final rounds to make sure i see as many people as i can before i leave back to Melbourne. Kinda ironic how every year i always leave that to the last week and i kind of realise that there are too many people to see and that i have to skip a few people. Not saying that they mean less than others but its just plain bad planning on my part and im sorry :P Kinda of bittersweet how it seems you always want to be in another place once you've stayed in one place for way too long - but its only at the end when you know you wont be back for a while you realise how much you'll be missing. MAN KL IS STRAIGHT (yes... straight.. apparently im still not allowed to use that 3 letter word meaning happiness or homosexually on the male gender as a result of Ai's stupid crap)

Realised alot of things these past few days especially. Theres no turning back in life, unless you have a timemachine.. which would be pretty cool if u had one let me know and hope you dont mind sharing it with me. Life is full of ups and downs, mistakes and moments you'll never want to forget. Yet, there will always be points in your life where no matter how much you want to turn back that clock - you cant. With each and every crossroad, there will be more decisions to make, more roads to take. (hey.. it rhymes.. yeay!) And with each and every choice you make - life just keeps on stacking on the complexity of the world which was once complete with the mindset that you just want to be happy. That everything else is taken care of for you. That you slowly come out of the coconut shell that you were once in revealing the big bad world. i kinda miss that coconut shell story... or was it that frog in the well that when he jumped out..something something something.. ok my memory aint really functioning at all at the moment but maybe theres a chance some of you might relate to that story and actually know what its about. To the rest, sorry for the absolute nonsense paragraph.

Well, kinda realised that maybe i do need some mayhem in my life. After a while of taking that steady road that i know for certain that nothing bad can happen. Kinda realised i dont have much to talk about nor things to say (which kind of means the same thing so its kind of redundant but i kind of just wanted to say the word redundant cos i havent used it in a long time so its kinda saying that i just want to blab on alot more before i go to bed and i really dont have anything to talk about so im just writing all this crap to make you guys read longer when it doesn't really do anything much but to piss you off cos you dont really know when this crap will end so ya... at least im giving you something to do... right Yin :P ..go read all this bullshit.. its better to sit down and look into a blank screen rather to read all this bullshit and get fustrated cos there aint anything good in this post... got writer's block so sue mee.. come LAH!)

well better be off..trying to make my sleeping time as normal as possible.. before i add 3 hrs... so technically im sleeping at 6am right now... and LORD.... SHOW HEYY HEYYYYYYYY...hahaha... stupid friggin song that im listening to... its damn nice..except that last 2 seconds of SHOWW HEYY HEEYYYYY.. =_=;;... the guy's name is Mr. Children... =_=;; cant really expect much from him can you..HEY BUT THE SONG IS NICE...

well niteezzz

Its been a while...

2007-02-04T04:54:00.000+10:30

Its been a while since alot of things has happened. Havent posted in the past few days because procrastination has its way of creeping up on you and making you useless just for a tad bit. There are like so many things to do yet nothing has really been done yet. Been taking a break from the fast lane, taking certain measures of protection in order that nothing bad can happen. I've been driving a whole lot slower, thats one major thing. As that saying goes, its better late than never - saving 5 minutes could end up in you never getting to the place you wanted to go to. As for friends, taking the safe approach - seeing certain friends where i know nothing really can happen. Though there is a chance for everything, whether it be bad or good, just minimizing anything out of the ordinary from happening. Maybe until after chinese new year - maybe the feng shui will chance or the new moon for that month will give me back at least some decent luck.

But as I always said, theres always two ways to look at things. One the one hand you can be sad every moment of every day. On the other, you can be happy with nothing at all. Why can be 'luckiest' person be the most miserable, and the most 'unluckiest' person be so happy? Everything is placed in your own perspective. Some may think somethings are great, other things its totally bad. The fine line between happiness and sadness draws grey as you should realise. That its only the way you look at your life that makes you wonder if you could have been happier or if there is no way you would change anything from happening because it was perfect. Words of advice not really heeded in situations where you should realise it the most. More often that not, happening to even me that the things i say, i should actually do. But thats life. It can be the simpliest of things, or can be the most complicated thing in the world.

Well, things are getting alot more stable at the moment. Somehow, missing that hectic sense of being on your feet - yet enjoying the serenity of it all.

Been so wierd the past few days. Moving towards a more loner approach. Well, apparently its the Yoon Seng and Me playing Dota approach. >_<;; Whats the worse that could happen. Yet, I already know there is alot lacking in that type of life. Maybe some people need time alone.

Drawing close to that semi-state of surrealism - where things have been so stagnant i wonder if anything will change in my life. First things was like a friggin hurricane and now its like the eye of the storm. Abnormally lacking in random bullshit events and seeming like an ever so pleasant change, yet that eerie feeling that the storm is approach is ever so close. Well, hope nothing bad happens to say the least. Well out of the past like 5 months i can say i've done my best in life. Trying not to take the simpliest and easiest way out but the right way out of things. That i've tried to be helpful in anyway possible. From the food i bought from this old lady and trying to give it to a beggar (.. -_-;; no the food being crap wasent the reason why i tried to give it away) to trying to talk to people who have had shit happen to them or just sitting there being with them. Knowing when i needed help the most and seeked it instead of being introverted with my problems which i would normally do. Knowing that you must help yourself first before you can help other people.

Well, kind of getting tired of waiting for everything to fall in place...

Still have no regrets i guess - everything happens for a reason. And if it doesn't it will have a reason one day (or until you forget =_=;;) Just waiting for everything to fit together.

till that day, Ill wait.

gayness..

2007-01-15T19:49:00.000+10:30

well.. not literally gayness -_-;; then that would probably make it figuratively. which still doesn't make much sense at all. oh well.

past 7 days has pretty much been for me a living nightmare. so many things has happened. realised so many people have changed. met new people that only want to use you for money. crashed my car - bcos of the stupid car infront that decided to jam his breaks after crossing the traffic light and his break lights didnt work. so it was like i thought he was going to carry on going - then by the time i realized he was at a complete stop it was too late. been drinking almost every night. went to Aloha a new club in kl - met one of the floor managers there. His name is Black -_-;; lolz, he was one of the nicer people that i had met this week. bumped into Jojo - Marc's ex bodyguard who is working for like Aloha's boss. Kinda good memories with him a long time ago. Always good to keep in touch with people like that. Friends at that - nothing more nothing less. No other backstabbing intentions or stuff like that. Met like so many new people - all Aki's friends - Tiffany, Joann, Jian Aun, Eric, Wei Sheng... well those were the people i remember. Then it was kinda refreshing to see like David, Ryan, Hx, Nat, Vic, Ah Weng.. like all those people that was never really close to cos of the langugage barrier - but nonetheless we were still really close. Kinda cool, that you could sit down next to them for hours, and for me not to say a word - still be able to have fun. Well, not that i didnt want to talk - but i could understand more than speak.

Guess the thing that hit me the most. Was the fact that i know that i was doing everything right. At least to me i know it was right. Yes, i learnt alot, not from my last ex but the one before. Yes, ive been single since the restraining order. Yes, i know that im never going to do anything stupid ever again. Yes, i know ive learnt from my mistakes. Yes, i treat everyone with respect. If you need help ill be there. If you need someone to talk to all you have to do is start. Yes, ive learnt as many, if not all, of the things that i should have learnt a year ago. Things that if i did - things would have been so different now. Would have been so much more happier. So much more forfilling. Yet, thats part of life - i guess. Yes, i do regret....

people change.. the world changes....

why is it that im the only one that hasent?

The Past

2006-12-26T04:33:00.000+10:30

well.. just to say, my ex (Cheryl) has made an intervention/restrianing order against me. meaning that im currently living and out of ih for good already. the court case is on tuesday.. whereby the rules and regulations will be made. currently i have an interim order on me, saying i must stay 100m away from her at all times and cease all contact with her. meaning i left ih, and everytime that i do go back, i have to be accompanied by police whereever i go in ih.

now to the events that lead up to this being done. me n cheryl started dating bak in april for like a few weeks before i broke it off with her. saying that i couldnt forget my ex and i wanted one last try before i could forget about her.. she was pissed off over that.. everything went ok till erina, another ex, like just stopped talking to me. moved to wadham. whereby had support from alot of people.. and espcially cheryl. she was seeing another guy at that time. after a few weeks we left for our break on good terms again. she supported me i supported her. i went down to singapore to see her during the break and stuff started happening there... but she did have alot of resentment from the last break up. wen we came bak to ih, we got together again unofficially - more of taking things as they come more than anything else. so we got together, had mini fights here n there.. then slowly things began to get worse. in the end i broke it off with her. had more fights but still saw each other everyday. she always slept with me in my room even after that... then during the midsembreak..everything stopped.. we stopped talking. and after she came bak... went on a trip together an everything came out. from me not caring, cos i didnt ask her whether she was ok or not ..because 'i didnt see her crying'. about im never there. then about her having a new bf. about me touching her and she not liking it.. alot of things. and no i did not rape her or know it was hurting her until she told me... and the last thing she said was like, that the least i could do is be a friend. and thats what i did. after the talks... i tried to act normal with her.. but she kept bring up the past.. and i kept telling her there is nothing i can do about it but apologize and show her in the next few weeks or months that i do want her as a friend and she is important to me. but it kept on going. till 1/10/06.. she asked to talk to me.. i came down..the first thing she said to me was that her semibf .. 'andrew' .. was angry at me and wanted to talk to me. i took that as a threat that he was going to like beat me or smthing.. and i just told her if he does something to me its got nothing to do with me if my friends retaliate.. then she kept on provoking until she asked me whats the worse i could do.. and it just all came out... it was like the last straw for me... i couldnt take it and said everything in my head.. then she just walked off and left... that made me even more fustrated. then i was dumb enough to write it all when i was still letting off alot of steam into an email.. where i did not defend myself.. saying things like.. 'if anything were to happen to me' - meaning if the bf or brothers hurt me physically... and 'soory for everything' - which she used as sexual harassment... so the next day she went to the police and lodged the report..

she stated
1/ she was scared and felt threatened and was unsure of what ild do
2/ i sexually assualted her.. pinned her down and tried to kiss her
3/ used my friends to try to convince her to not follow through

the only evidence that is available is the email that helps her side of the story.. and all i have is my word. and thats how it goes.

stuff that happened since she lodged the report
1/ moved to ih on thursday as a request from peter cole, the deupty head
2/ didnt try to contact her since monday... cept on sunday.. where i was very confused over everything..on the one side..there is the stuff she told the police.. to our mutual friends she said she was confused and didnt mind being friends.. she said it was 'too late' already... her blog was all happy.. so i figured.. i wanted a shot to stop all this.. .and just like stop it and get out of her life.. and stay in ih peacefully until the end of semester.. so i contacted our friends.. and asked them to talk to her... n thts y its in the report now
3/ tuesday was suppsoed to go back to ih. and figure out how things would go... went to get the police interim order.. and needed to call 000 for a police escort to get into ih.. went to see peter... he was angry over me trying to convince her through our friends.. and just told me to leave and that ih will pay me a reinbursement... so packed up alot more of my clothes and books and just left
4/ have to prepare for my courtcase.
5/ have to go bak to ih to collect the rest of my stuff
6/ finding a place to stay next year permanently

right now im living in uropa with my highschool friends.. getting ready my courtcase on tuesday..

thats my life.. =_=;;

December Woes

2006-12-01T04:47:00.000+10:30

1st December. One more month to go till New Years come. 31 Days to look back at the year and remember what has happened. What has gone wrong especially. Work on it. Improve on it. Make sure it doesnt happen again. Make sure that I am a new person. Looking back on this year, it aint that pretty. Major downfalls and backlashes from 'karma', if you can call it that or just plain fated bad luck. Even if most of it was solely based on the end of the era of 'dating and looking' for that right girl. It was as my lecturer put it, 'when it fails - it will never fail gracefully' (yes apparently there is some application of civil engineering in a relationships context)

End of year wrap ups can be summed up into a 3 letter catch phrase.. 'gay'. The terminology in a normal English context would mean homosexual or happy. But in the 'eugene' context - it assumes the role of a situation beyond control and beyond change with doesn't side with the happy-go-lucky aspect of my life. When things go wrong - they can be said to be gay. (a small desperate attempt to use more proficient english because im doing another management subject next year - and to put it bluntly engineering people can write for nuts)

Well from the courts to the 2 major break-ups this year. Kind of can say I've slowly moved on or at least begun to with no signs of ever turning back. Its the better choice for both sides in both cases. Whats the point in trying to change what can never be undone? Whats the point in apologizing when they dont want to talk to you? Whats the point in trying to make them happy - only to get hurt when they just tell you to never talk to them again. Yes, i admit I've done wrong. I got upset very easily. But, Ive learnt my lesson. Ive learn to give alot more than take. Ive learnt alot of things in the past year - (yes including my studies, thankfully) but also in a relationship context. Ever say - if i was only a year wiser everything would have been different? Well i could clearly say that now. But - you only learn from your mistakes - if you dont >___<;; well its your own problem.

Taken off one of the posters in the restaurant, Baba or Boba or smthing like that - a malaysian restaurant. How well you lived life can be summed up into three things. How well you loved. How well you cared. How well you were able to let go. (to a similiar context) Well - if its part of life's brutal lessons - i can say honestly, i pretty much learnt to let go. Letting go alot of things i thought i could never live without. People who mean so much to me, yet it wasent shown back. Its part of growning older and wiser i guess.

Well todays lesson.

'Learn how to let go.'

Holiday Mood Swings?

2006-11-27T03:43:00.000+10:30

Hey hoe.

2nd day of holidays have finally almost come to an end. Chelsea and Man United on the tele, me sitting down here infront of my computer, half watching the match, with pretty much nothing to do. Holidays can be a bore sometimes when you dont really have anything in mind to do nor anything planned for the next few weeks or months even. But, doing something is better than nothing sometimes i supposed.

Had really a wierd time today, happy yet kind of lonely at the same time. Woke up from Terry's phone call - so had to go down and open the door for him. A few dota games here and there then went for lunch (well apparently your first meal of the day is supposedly called breakfast but it was like 5pm by the time we started eating) Ate Estella 7 - indonesian food =) i like Nasi Ulor now ..or Utor? or ...haha forgot whats it called but will remember when im there. It was like fragrant rice with a fried chicken, a wierdly coloured fried egg and some soupy thing. =) really nice. Went to church with like Lina, Edwin and met up with Lisa and Desmond there. A not too appealling sermon about baptisms and the church denomination differences. The praise worship was kind of good though. Really liked it. Then came out of the church. Went to eat Crepe (someone please indulge me how do you actually say it) Had Nutella Crepe. OMG - it was like amazing. Then kinda went off to get a top up card for my phone - kinda was stuck on 36 cents of credit for the past few days. Felt kind of good, bought like 3 dollars worth of ...ermm.. sandwich like thingies from this grannie on the street trying to sell some food. Felt good about myself. Even better when Des sugested to give it to like a homeless dude. But apparently - he kinda didn't really want it. Oh well, as long as the intent is there - theres no harm in trying i supposed. Went up Melb Central to watch 'The Prestige' - ONLY GO TO THAT MOVIE IF YOU CAN THINK ALOT. =_=;; otherwise you'll be scratching your head at the end of the movie. Kinda of thought provoking movie - not about the plot but the storyline an what really happens in it. Came back - then more dota (yes i need a new hobby apparently otherwise these posts about my 'productive' day would involve about 6 to 7 hours of dota again. Eat, Dota, Eat, Dota, Sleep. =_=;; That would kinda be my routine. Well talked to quite a few people online. Kinda same old same old. Haruka, Joo Lee (aka Ms Toh) and talked to Jo for abit. Kinda not really my night for socializing is it? Just seemed so blur most of the time, even now as we speak. Hopefully things pick up abit tommorrow. Tommorrow is a brand new day i guess.

Well, kinda been thinking alot recently i guess. While the exams and past it - about everything. My goals and motives in life. What i should strive for. What i should do. What i should be. Not about the things that would fulfill me nor things that would bring the most happiness to me. But somehow about other things which i cant realyl place my finger on. What does everyone want in life? What does everyone need? Everyone is different and wants different things. Kinda got stuck thinking about everything. Well dont really know what im blabbing on about. Kind of going crazy at the moment... think i better call it a night.

Hopefully tommorrow is a better day.

.hope saves us all sometime or another

Look Forward, Not Backward

2006-11-21T03:53:00.000+10:30

What the point in looking back, when nothing can be changed. No matter how hard you try - the 'could have beens', 'what ifs' and 'would haves' - will never ever come true. The past is the past and thats where its meant to be. No matter the days spent in misery or happiness. The contrasts between the two ends of the emotion spectrum - there is nothing that can be done to change the past. The mistakes that should have been corrected. The friends that should have still been close to your heart. The lives that you changed for better or for the worse. Time is unforgiven on everyone. No matter which angle you want to take life from - there will always be happiness and sadness. Its a fact that most people that the worse of times with great upset and depression. Its a fact that when your happy, everything tends to just slip away. For that moment of bliss - all your problems and fears tend to disappear for that instance. No matter what - happiness can never harm (unless your happy when you harm people =_=;; you sadist)

Been thinking so much. Well, since everything was out in the open before. And as my friend told me before - whats the point in pretending who you are. You are who you are and you should be proud of it. No matter how many people say how wrong you are - everyone makes mistakes in life. But you can never change who you are. What is the point in making someone so happy - when you cant even make yourself happy. Whats the point in making someone happy when your being who you are. All your doing is lying to yourself. Your lying to everyone. Putting a mask infront of the world - playing the role of the good guy, the role of the person everyone wants to see, the person that everyone expects of you. In the end, everyone is stingy to some extent. No matter if your the purest of hearts or the worse of hearts - everyone will think of themselves at one point in their lives. Its human nature to put yourself at an advantage to others when able to. Its only a matter of how much we want to resist that temptation in life. Some exploit others. Some use cunning ways to push themselves forward. No matter how 'good' you are or think you are - are we in the end?

Ive made honest mistakes in the past 2 years. Yes, i do admit i should be accounted for those mistakes. And i have been. Whatever your sin, it will be repaid double in some way or another - part of the theory of karma. Yet, we can never run from the fact that we all have sinned. We've all taken the easier path over the right one in some point in time - its a fact of life. I truly have tried to do my best for everyone. Tried to make them happy in whatever way i could - no strings attached. No repayments. No wants. No needs. Just to see the plain happiness on their faces. Knowing that ive done a good deed. That was good enough for me. I didnt care if they never talked to me ever again. As long as i did something to please someone. Yet, that was who i was. Thats what i thought i was supposed to do. Keeping a lifelong promise to myself that if i was capable, i would help whoever i could. Even if it simply was to make them smile. And i admit - i got caught, tangled in the webs of deceits and cravings. Wanting to push myself forward. Wanting things. Wanting everything. Isnt that a normal human desire? Yet, as i pushed myself further and further into trying to help people - i got lost inbetween the fine line between making people happy and making myself happy. Life tends to cloud the mind with unforseen and unimaginable thoughts - which at first seem so nice. So blissful. So perfect. But is it? The more you seem to accomplish a promise - the further you get from it. That was my paradox. Yet, not knowing your falling into a trapt which you promised yourself never to fall into. Time fades everything.

Yes. I admit i made mistakes. I admit that i did so many wrongs in the past. And to come to the point of knowing it clearly. Knowing that i wanted to change. Yet, not being allowed to show how much i changed. From people changing their minds time and time again when i all wanted was one simple answer. One simple direction to take. Instead of going back and forth time and time again only to find that i was more miserable now than i was before i started trying. Yet, whats the point in life if you dont stand up and stand out. Whats the point if you dont take risks. Learn a few more saying in life that i have chosen to act on.

Never be a fence sitter, otherwise your balls will hurt. =_=;; thats a saying i never really forgot. Though never really knew where it came from.

Never place words before actions. Unless your certain that your capable and your going to forfill it.

Never do on others, what you wouldnt other do on you. Or to some relation to that phrase was in the bible.

From everything thats happened to me. To everything that is meant to have happened to me for me to repay my debt to my soul. For all the mistakes i have done. For all the heartbreaks that i have caused. For everything wrong that i have done. At least now, i have a clean conscience. At least now - i am refreshed knowing who i was before. Who i wanted to be. What i need to do. Everything is finally clear to me.

As I promised myself almost a decade ago. To make others happy, without the intention of any personal desires. Withstanding the fact that people may look down on me, may take advantage of me. If i can bring a smile to someone's face. Thats good enough for me. And for now, thats how i will stand. I will stand firm.

A foolish man will want to die for a heroic cause. A wise man will want to die in a humble nature.

No one is a hero in everyone's eyes. Yet, no matter how small you are. No matter where you come from. No matter what you've done. You could always be a hero in someone's heart.

Never look back, always look forward. Know what there is to be done and do it with all your heart. No matter how small the task - do it as best as you can. Nothing can be changed with what you've done before. But, everything can change with what your willing and able to do.

Harro

2006-11-10T04:58:00.000+10:30

Welcome to my blog. Like my 5th blog or smthing of that order. Its kind of late now - 5.30am. So i pretty much wont write much today. =) will write soon though.