Holiday Mood Swings?

Hey hoe.

2nd day of holidays have finally almost come to an end. Chelsea and Man United on the tele, me sitting down here infront of my computer, half watching the match, with pretty much nothing to do. Holidays can be a bore sometimes when you dont really have anything in mind to do nor anything planned for the next few weeks or months even. But, doing something is better than nothing sometimes i supposed.

Had really a wierd time today, happy yet kind of lonely at the same time. Woke up from Terry's phone call - so had to go down and open the door for him. A few dota games here and there then went for lunch (well apparently your first meal of the day is supposedly called breakfast but it was like 5pm by the time we started eating) Ate Estella 7 - indonesian food =) i like Nasi Ulor now ..or Utor? or ...haha forgot whats it called but will remember when im there. It was like fragrant rice with a fried chicken, a wierdly coloured fried egg and some soupy thing. =) really nice. Went to church with like Lina, Edwin and met up with Lisa and Desmond there. A not too appealling sermon about baptisms and the church denomination differences. The praise worship was kind of good though. Really liked it. Then came out of the church. Went to eat Crepe (someone please indulge me how do you actually say it) Had Nutella Crepe. OMG - it was like amazing. Then kinda went off to get a top up card for my phone - kinda was stuck on 36 cents of credit for the past few days. Felt kind of good, bought like 3 dollars worth of ...ermm.. sandwich like thingies from this grannie on the street trying to sell some food. Felt good about myself. Even better when Des sugested to give it to like a homeless dude. But apparently - he kinda didn't really want it. Oh well, as long as the intent is there - theres no harm in trying i supposed. Went up Melb Central to watch 'The Prestige' - ONLY GO TO THAT MOVIE IF YOU CAN THINK ALOT. =_=;; otherwise you'll be scratching your head at the end of the movie. Kinda of thought provoking movie - not about the plot but the storyline an what really happens in it. Came back - then more dota (yes i need a new hobby apparently otherwise these posts about my 'productive' day would involve about 6 to 7 hours of dota again. Eat, Dota, Eat, Dota, Sleep. =_=;; That would kinda be my routine. Well talked to quite a few people online. Kinda same old same old. Haruka, Joo Lee (aka Ms Toh) and talked to Jo for abit. Kinda not really my night for socializing is it? Just seemed so blur most of the time, even now as we speak. Hopefully things pick up abit tommorrow. Tommorrow is a brand new day i guess.

Well, kinda been thinking alot recently i guess. While the exams and past it - about everything. My goals and motives in life. What i should strive for. What i should do. What i should be. Not about the things that would fulfill me nor things that would bring the most happiness to me. But somehow about other things which i cant realyl place my finger on. What does everyone want in life? What does everyone need? Everyone is different and wants different things. Kinda got stuck thinking about everything. Well dont really know what im blabbing on about. Kind of going crazy at the moment... think i better call it a night.

Hopefully tommorrow is a better day.

.hope saves us all sometime or another

Look Forward, Not Backward

What the point in looking back, when nothing can be changed. No matter how hard you try - the 'could have beens', 'what ifs' and 'would haves' - will never ever come true. The past is the past and thats where its meant to be. No matter the days spent in misery or happiness. The contrasts between the two ends of the emotion spectrum - there is nothing that can be done to change the past. The mistakes that should have been corrected. The friends that should have still been close to your heart. The lives that you changed for better or for the worse. Time is unforgiven on everyone. No matter which angle you want to take life from - there will always be happiness and sadness. Its a fact that most people that the worse of times with great upset and depression. Its a fact that when your happy, everything tends to just slip away. For that moment of bliss - all your problems and fears tend to disappear for that instance. No matter what - happiness can never harm (unless your happy when you harm people =_=;; you sadist)

Been thinking so much. Well, since everything was out in the open before. And as my friend told me before - whats the point in pretending who you are. You are who you are and you should be proud of it. No matter how many people say how wrong you are - everyone makes mistakes in life. But you can never change who you are. What is the point in making someone so happy - when you cant even make yourself happy. Whats the point in making someone happy when your being who you are. All your doing is lying to yourself. Your lying to everyone. Putting a mask infront of the world - playing the role of the good guy, the role of the person everyone wants to see, the person that everyone expects of you. In the end, everyone is stingy to some extent. No matter if your the purest of hearts or the worse of hearts - everyone will think of themselves at one point in their lives. Its human nature to put yourself at an advantage to others when able to. Its only a matter of how much we want to resist that temptation in life. Some exploit others. Some use cunning ways to push themselves forward. No matter how 'good' you are or think you are - are we in the end?

Ive made honest mistakes in the past 2 years. Yes, i do admit i should be accounted for those mistakes. And i have been. Whatever your sin, it will be repaid double in some way or another - part of the theory of karma. Yet, we can never run from the fact that we all have sinned. We've all taken the easier path over the right one in some point in time - its a fact of life. I truly have tried to do my best for everyone. Tried to make them happy in whatever way i could - no strings attached. No repayments. No wants. No needs. Just to see the plain happiness on their faces. Knowing that ive done a good deed. That was good enough for me. I didnt care if they never talked to me ever again. As long as i did something to please someone. Yet, that was who i was. Thats what i thought i was supposed to do. Keeping a lifelong promise to myself that if i was capable, i would help whoever i could. Even if it simply was to make them smile. And i admit - i got caught, tangled in the webs of deceits and cravings. Wanting to push myself forward. Wanting things. Wanting everything. Isnt that a normal human desire? Yet, as i pushed myself further and further into trying to help people - i got lost inbetween the fine line between making people happy and making myself happy. Life tends to cloud the mind with unforseen and unimaginable thoughts - which at first seem so nice. So blissful. So perfect. But is it? The more you seem to accomplish a promise - the further you get from it. That was my paradox. Yet, not knowing your falling into a trapt which you promised yourself never to fall into. Time fades everything.

Yes. I admit i made mistakes. I admit that i did so many wrongs in the past. And to come to the point of knowing it clearly. Knowing that i wanted to change. Yet, not being allowed to show how much i changed. From people changing their minds time and time again when i all wanted was one simple answer. One simple direction to take. Instead of going back and forth time and time again only to find that i was more miserable now than i was before i started trying. Yet, whats the point in life if you dont stand up and stand out. Whats the point if you dont take risks. Learn a few more saying in life that i have chosen to act on.

Never be a fence sitter, otherwise your balls will hurt. =_=;; thats a saying i never really forgot. Though never really knew where it came from.

Never place words before actions. Unless your certain that your capable and your going to forfill it.

Never do on others, what you wouldnt other do on you. Or to some relation to that phrase was in the bible.

From everything thats happened to me. To everything that is meant to have happened to me for me to repay my debt to my soul. For all the mistakes i have done. For all the heartbreaks that i have caused. For everything wrong that i have done. At least now, i have a clean conscience. At least now - i am refreshed knowing who i was before. Who i wanted to be. What i need to do. Everything is finally clear to me.

As I promised myself almost a decade ago. To make others happy, without the intention of any personal desires. Withstanding the fact that people may look down on me, may take advantage of me. If i can bring a smile to someone's face. Thats good enough for me. And for now, thats how i will stand. I will stand firm.

A foolish man will want to die for a heroic cause. A wise man will want to die in a humble nature.

No one is a hero in everyone's eyes. Yet, no matter how small you are. No matter where you come from. No matter what you've done. You could always be a hero in someone's heart.

Never look back, always look forward. Know what there is to be done and do it with all your heart. No matter how small the task - do it as best as you can. Nothing can be changed with what you've done before. But, everything can change with what your willing and able to do.

Harro

Welcome to my blog. Like my 5th blog or smthing of that order. Its kind of late now - 5.30am. So i pretty much wont write much today. =) will write soon though.